The BS an ABPD Girl May Have to Forego

In recent turn of events, there seems to be one commonality that I find amongst people in our community and that is the unavoidable BS-ing that seems to be created around single girls; particularly those who are brown skinned.

I would like to assume that most people are aware of the social stigma face by brown skinned girls who are single past the age of 22. There is this judgement: you are perhaps several years out of college, why are you still single? Either something is wrong with you, you’re too picky, or you’re secretly dating someone for which the community will disapprove of.

And yes, to answer that question that is floundering around in your head right now – I am happily single and proud of it. There’s nothing wrong with me nor am I being picky, nor do I have a secret someone. I am simply happy with my current state of independence and prefer to keep it this way.

Non-single friends will assume you are unhappy and incomplete until this “man” whisks you away into marital bliss. Most of all what I seem to see amongst the girlfriends who are in committed relationships/marriages find the life of a single girl irrelevant – they feel that this other person “completes” them wholesomely and that they have decided without having such a partner, life is meaningless.

Being a Malayalee in my mid-20’s, I am often asked about my love life by my relatives, neighbors, friends, acquaintances…pretty much anyone who may have a potential suitor for me or anyone just simply curious as to why I roam freely without a care in the world.

The questions typically go as followed: If they don’t know me, first they politely ask my name, where I’m from, where I work, what I do, etc. The basics of the basics right. Then immediately, the question comes as to if I am married, and once I say I’m not, an exclamation of, “Not married?! Why not?!” Me being me, I try to shrug or laugh it off and give some vague reason, but nothing I really say changes the perplexed look on their face.

I will openly say, I have been on the committed relationship side for a good portion of my “adult” life and I can understand that it’s easy to get wrapped up in the “everything is better in two’s mentality,” but as an independent girl discovering herself in the world now, I would like to make a public announcement:

Have some respect for people who aren’t living the same life as you, and mind your own business.

I have my reasons as to why I am the way that I am. I find it pointless these days to sugar coat people about what’s going on in MY own personal life for which they have no point to interfere with. I am my own individual. Unless I have granted you the permission to disclose your thoughts about how I should live my life, I would prefer if you keep it to yourself.

Now, my being single, and my rather “free” attitude seems to be raising quite a few eyebrows. This is where the unavoidable, rather ridiculous BS starts to rise. Using myself as an example – it seems there are certain folks who seem to think I have various “crushes” amongst certain people as I am open and close with them in the public eye. Well…they couldn’t be more wrong on that point. I literally laughed when I first heard of this statement.

The lengths that people go to create stories about people in our community astonishes me. If they put that effort into actually doing some good for our people, perhaps our community will actually grow to be somewhere and be slightly more unified.

So, here’s the thing – stop making up these illusionary stories and gossiping about people/girls who are confident of themselves to be themselves in front of people who may/may not appreciate them. If we ever want to move forward in our world, these preconceived judgement’s have to stop.

This all being said, I want to clarify that I am not against the cultures  and traditions of where I am rooted from. There may be a time where my perspective of my relationship status may change and I may want that partner to cater to and maybe even kids – but for now, no. There is a time for everything. So I kindly request that to the people who make up these strange stories about people who single (like myself), confident, and aware of themselves – stop. We are simply just living our lives.

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