Everyone has a past.

No matter what gender, race, ethnicity born into – we all have it pinned onto us like a safety pin, where we are able to unclasp it at times yet, it will find its way back to re-clasping itself no matter how bent and out of shape it may become to be.

Ironically, within this past year the safety pin became a symbol of solidarity with people who say they have suffered racism, sexism, xenophobia, Islamophobia and homophobia, amongst other manifestations of bigotry.

My mind is in a swirl of thoughts – those following the Malayalam Film Industry news know what I mean when I say #IAmWithHer – but I am not just with her, I am with him, I am with the children, the youth, teens, uncles and aunties that have had their run-ins with such traumatizing, disgusting ordeals (myself included).


But what can we do other than move forward and talk about it? What action could we possibly take other than to sentence the individuals to some confinement and hope their sins will be repented in some way?

We all are human.

We all are born unto this world with a clean slate, with the capability and right to do good and be good; yet some of those who influence us and some of what we experience may cause us to waver in the opposite direction…

To name a few: Some may have been physically abused. Some may have violent, unforgiving parents. Some may of had pubertal issues. Some may have had sexual abuse as a child from those whom their loved ones trusted, or perhaps it was their loved ones. Some have messed up love stories. Some may of had been forced into sex in the name of love. Some may of been drugged. Some were date raped. Some may have had been viciously photographed on bed. Some may of had been blackmailed by their ex-partner/lover. Some may have had been in an abusive relationship. Some had menstrual problems. Some may of had a broken family. Some had a divorce. Some had an obesity issue. Some had financial droughts. Some had drug or alcohol addiction. Some had a few unsuccessful suicide attempts.

If you see ANYONE who went through any of these but had already wiped their tears, masked their sorrows with a divine smile, stood tall and strong, started walking towards a future because they still had some hope left inside them and has not given up on the concept of love and solidarity that still exists somewhere in this world — then do not stab them about with what happened it the past.

Do not confront them. Do not slap them with more abuse. Give way and time for them to talk and walk beside them.

They need not always be only the boy or girl next door or from a different home. They could be your own friend, your own sister, brother, your own girlfriend, boyfriend, your own wife, husband, and even your own mother or father.

Do not judge them by her past. Gift them the peaceful future that they deserve. Hold their hands against the world, which knows only to judge.

Give them the love and care that they’ve always yearned for.

The Projected Face of the Faceless

I’m just going to come out and say it: People fake to look real on social media.

There will be some folks who may find it difficult to accept this saying that social media is about bringing people together — that it allows us to be “connected” and “in tune” with what happens across the world.

But to present an authentic self on these platforms has become rather fake. People can be considered to be narcissistic as we care only whether we are getting noticed enough, whether the “picture” we put up is worthy enough to procure likes and comments from people whom we may have only spoken to only once in our lifetimes; yet we all do it – and I too am guilty in falling under this undeniable pressure.

Essentially, what is happening is that we – as social users – project a faceless face. Most users will admit in “faking” parts of their online image in order to conform to social norms and expectations.

We all do it — profile tuning: intentionally sharing content to depict us as “users” in a false way which is considered to be excessive, attention seeking or somehow portrays that individual in a fake manner.

While social media constructs technically requires individuals to be “real” in their sharing behavior — presenting oneself in the right way (whatever that may be), through sharing necessitated an element of the “ideal self.”

The question thus becomes is whether we are presenting the “real self” or are we presenting a hyper-idealistic version of ourselves?

In considering these points: I encourage you think of these factors while social networking —

  • Stop comparing yourself to others. When you compare yourself to others, you are comparing yourself to the perception of what you think the person in. In reality, many people are presenting only their ideal selves online, therefore you are comparing yourself to an ideal figure, not your true representation.
  • Authenticity is key. Instead of creating an inflated unrealistic version of yourself; examine who you are and your best attributes. Determine what makes you unique and ask yourself “would you rather have 100 carbon copy replicas of you, or one authentic version of yourself.” People like individuals who are relatable, unique, and real.
  • Align your “real self” with your “ideal” self. If you are portraying yourself as an ideal figure/career/dream — why not work toward those goals to achieve your ideal status.

People all around will tell you to “be yourself…”, but what they really mean is “be yourself… within these given parameters of what is comfortable for me.” When you commit to being authentic to yourself, you have to be okay with that ‘negative’ story of you, and feel enough peace with your own story to withstand that.

When you commit to being authentic to yourself, whether that be speaking your mind, or writing a blog (such as this one), you are committing to gains and losses. People may not like you.  We paint “being yourself” as a noble endeavor, without also recognizing that sometimes people are not going to like what that may mean.

When you commit to being authentic to yourself, you have to believe that speaking your truth is going to outweigh the discomfort and pain of people disagreeing with you and disliking what you do or say. But its rather limiting to believe we have to stay away from upsetting people – because alternative viewpoints are how we grow and change and evolve.  It’s how we get new ideas we’ve never considered, even if they are uncomfortable.

It might feel lonely. To commit to being yourself in your fullest capacity can feel lonely, because you’re not adapting to what other people want of you or expect of you, it may feel like you are disconnected from people you’re usually connected to.  And that takes a lot of strength to push through. But know that your strength may open the doors for other people to do the same.

We have a lot of fears around being fully ourselves.  Between not being liked, between upsetting those we love, underneath it is it is feeling like “I am not enough, I am not worthy…” Somehow, amidst all of this, we have to come to fiercely love and trust ourselves to be able to show up in our fullest capacity, regardless of some of the losses.  Because somehow, wedged between all of this, we have come to believe it will be worth it – despite the haters and dissenters.

And as we endeavor to be fully human, fully ourselves, we must also endeavor to make it as easy as possible for other to feel they too are human, fully themselves. And how do we do that? Turn all these things I just said on their head:

  • When you are met with ideas or actions you initially dislike or are confused by, ask questions rather than express distaste.  Ask about your friend’s intention, or what led them to this place – it opens up conversation and understanding rather than debate and defense.
  • Ask yourself where your reactions are coming from.  Are you placing your own judgment and expectations on someone else?  Is this more about you or about them?
  • Try to be with them on their journey.  Let go of the need for someone’s choices to make sense to you.

Our entire lives might be spent figuring out who we are, and who we want to be – and most importantly, endeavoring to live out who are want to be unapologetically.  I am on that journey right now yes, and I admit, it’s not easy.  I  do second-guess myself and doubt myself all the time. What if people don’t like me? But what if I don’t myself? Will this be worth it?

I tell myself it’s all worth it in the end…it’s time to stop living in the shadow of what people want you to be and live in your own. Be consistent and transparent in who you are in both online and offline persona.