Writing this post has been a struggle. I felt as if I completed the final piece, it would dot the “i’s” and cross the “t’s” making what my life is presently set in stone.
I had been fortunate enough to have had a name, primarily in the Malayalee community. I was the dancer, the humanitarian long before anyone else in our community really knew what the word meant, the youngest dance choreographer/business owner of the arts in our local community… I shattered the beauty stereotype when I claimed a few pageant titles and well, I became a voice of the voiceless through this online platform here.
I thrived in being in the limelight, it was a blanket around my petite frame and it gave me a platform to explore various passions of mine. I was excited about everything I was doing and worked hard to keep it afloat. To be transparent about it all, being recognized and commended felt amazing, but it was the work I was producing that kept me going.
No one ever thinks about what happens after all of the attention ends.
It’s easy to be lured in by all of the emails and opportunities flying at you and I did it alone. I would sit in my room, experiencing the feeling of dread of how many randoms messages I would have to look at… or lack thereof…
It’s easier to know who you are when you’re existing as a mildly famous incredibly vilified figure for that moment, instead of a real person. When people are slinging insults at you it’s easier to distinguish “this is not me” and “this is kind of like me,” and by process of elimination you think you’ve figured yourself out… As I constantly defended myself and was asked questions about my life, I felt like I had some idea of who I was at the time.
When the messages begin to taper off, and the likes on the photos and posts as well, it gets kind of depressing in a shallow 21st century way. As that’s a main form of validation of a millennial.
My window for fame-mongering is over, so I’m not about to force it back open by doing something crazy because I’m sadly inches away from being a real person.
As of now, my “limelight” status has diminished to a candle flickering at the end of it’s wick. Yes, I carry an aura of confidence when I walk into a room, yes I carry this “presence,” but at the end of the day – I am a simple human being and that’s ok. To come to this realization of my present “outwardly” status was difficult, but comforting for I have something new to work for and that is to be successful for me…
Success happens when you quit living your life to please everyone around you. Success happens when you quit listening to the noise of the world and focus on what’s important to you. Success happens when you quit thinking reality is anything but what you want it to be. I have started to quit viewing the world with the preconceived notions taught growing up. I quit being “realistic,” and I quit worrying and started living.